Sometimes Things are Better in the Morning
by Amanda9
Summary: Byers musing about life, both his and the general topic. Jupitor Series Feel Free to R


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Title: **_"Sometimes Things Look Better in the Morning"_**

By: Amanda

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Feedback: greenfreakgirl@tomgreen.com

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Rating: PG

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Summary: Byers musing about life, both his and the general topic. 

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Date **Finished**: June 27, 2001

The Lone Gunmen Headquarters

12:01 a.m. 

I was sitting on the red leather couch at the back of the warehouse, my head in my hands. I was crying. I do that a lot late at night. When it's quiet and still and I'm alone. Especially when I'm alone. This is when I think. I think about my life, what has gone wrong, what's missing. Missing. It always goes back to Susanne. And that's when the tears and sobbing starts. 

Will I ever see her again? Do we even have a chance of having a family? Can I survive without her? _'Careful John, only one impossible question at a time'_ *sigh * 

I always wear the ring she handed me when she left when I think like this. The weight of it on my finger feels so right. So very right. Oh, the tears again. And the uncontrollable sobbing. I don't, and can't sit in my room to think….and cry. I'm afraid Frohike would hear me. The walls are almost paper thin. And I don't need anyone to see me like this….

I perked up. A door opened. I think it was from Langly's room. I could still hear Frohike snoring so I knew it wasn't him. _'Please go back in the room.'_ I sat quietly, holding my breath and tears hoping, Langly or Anderea, which ever it was from the room would go back in. They had been sharing the room for the whole time she had been here….about two weeks now_. 'Damn' _Whoever it is, isn't going back in the room. I think it's Anderea. There's tip toeing in the hallway. She still walks on eggshells around here. I think she's afraid of Frohike, or at least the way he acts. He doesn't seem to like her, still, but I think it's just to protect us. 

She was wearing one of Langly's damn tee shirts. The only thing he ever wears. We're gonna have to bury him in one. 

"Oh," she jumped a little when she found me sitting in the dark, "John?" She called everyone by their first name, even Mulder. Like being instantly close to them. As far as I know, we're the only people she talks to. The only ones she has a relationship with.

"You alright?" She stepped closer to the couch and me.

I nodded and tried to wipe my tears without her noticing, but she did. 

She crouched down in front of me, "Are you sure you're alright?" She put her hand on my knee. 

I couldn't look her in the eyes, I was embarrassed. I think it was for a few reasons. One because I know what she and Langly had been doing. It is possible to tell and like I said, the walls are paper thin. The second because she caught me *_thinking*._ But the main reason was because I was jealous. Not of her, but of what she and Langly have. The warm body to lye next to, a counterpart, a companion. 

I put my hand over hers and nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine," my voice was sob soaked and cracked. She stared at my hand. The ring. It was still on my finger and she saw it. I was afraid she'd start asking questions. Not because I wouldn't tell her, I just didn't want to verbalise what I was thinking now. I wouldn't be able to keep it together. Not like I was really keeping it together now. 

She didn't say anything. She just looked sadly at the ring than up to my face, "Do you want something from the kitchen. That's where I was headed." She smiled slightly. It seemed like she wanted me to feel _normal_. 

I was going to decline, but switched my vote, "I think a coffee would be great. Thank you." I tried to grant her the same smile, but couldn't force my face to comply. 

She patted my knee as she rose and went into the kitchen. She didn't turn the lights on, like I needed the cover of the dark to keep my composer. 

What if she does ask about the ring? _'No, I wasn't married. But someday'_ I couldn't keep the sarcastic feel out of that. 'Someday'. When will that ever be? Another ten years? A life time? I have no clue….but no matter how long, I'd wait. Assuming that _'someday'_ will ever come. Sometimes I don't think it will. I was fiddling with the ring when Anderea came back.

She brought in two coffee mugs and handed one to me, "It's a little hot." She warned me with a maternal instinct. 

"Thanks," I just held the cup and stared into it. 

She sat closely to the arm of the couch, giving me space. 

I didn't want to talk or anything, but her company was nice. Just knowing someone else was sitting with me. She didn't force any real conversation either, that was nice too. 

She sipped her coffee and moved around to a more comfortable position. Her legs up on the couch toward me and she rested her arms on her knees, "Did I interrupt you?" she noticed I was still staring into my coffee.

"No, not really," I replied, "Just sitting." _And thinking._

She nodded like she heard what I didn't say. "If you want I can leave you alone…."

"No," I shook my head and looked up at her, "You're good company….all the time," I went to put my hand on her to reassure her, like she did with me, but noticed what she was wearing. Well, more like what she wasn't wearing. 

She smiled, like she needed to hear it. Having Frohike treat you like something the cat dragged in must be discouraging. Despite how much of a self-reliant woman she seemed to be, she still needed to know she was accepted. But, don't we all? Don't we all want to fit in?

Again the warehouse was silent, aside from Frohike's snoring. 

She stared into her coffee now. I was starting to think that maybe we were looking for more than there was in those cups. "I'll do anything not to hurt him," she blurted out. 

I was taken aback. I didn't expect her to speak and I didn't expect the merit of the comment. She wasn't looking up, still staring into the cup. I realized that she had come out here for a reason like mine. She had demons (thoughts) she had to slay too. But again, doesn't everyone?

I watched her for a few moments: she was trying to hold back on the tears that my silence was causing. "I know." I told her, and I did know. There was something about her that portrayed that to me. But she also seemed to think she might. She did have secrets that none of us knew about. Not even Langly. But, how many did we have that she didn't know? No one is ever completely open to everyone. Though she seemed to have something else on her mind.

"Maybe a good question is, are you alright?" I liked getting the attention off of myself. "I there something you need to say?"

She nodded than spoke, "I'm okay." 

She seemed to ignore the second question. But some things need to be kept until the timing is right. 

Again we had a brief silence before she spoke. 

"I'm gonna go back to bed," She stood up. "Remember sometimes things look better in the morning," She kissed me on the cheek before leaving for Langly's room.

"It's the nights I worry about," I took the first sip from the coffee, it was cold now. 

THE END 


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